This journal's older entries have been made mostly friends-locked. Generally this is just because those old entries are embarrassing and/or include too much information about myself. We all say stupid things when we are young (and usually continue to do so once we are old).

If I decide to ever continue posting here the entries might or might not be friends only.

Am attempting another post; I'll try not to delete this one. Not that there is much worth writing a post about.

I'm rereading The Wheel of Time, as well as suffering from a poetry binge at the moment. In the course of two days I've devoured two half issues of American Poetry Review, the poetry section (in addition to a few essays) of an issue of the Antioch Review, half of Book V of Paradise Lost, a chunk of Harold Norse, and a wide selection from my good ol' Norton English Lit.

Also discovered today that there is such a thing as making your Lemon Zinger tea too strong. Who knew?

Redid my LibraryThing tags. Finished up my old (written) journal about a month ago. Feel a little empty because I still haven't gotten around to buying a new one. I am very specific about what I want.

Anywho, that's life.

YKK is OMG amazing. It's one of those rare tales that astonishes with simple humanity while it coaxes out long-lasting smiles and truly joyful laughter. Reading the first few volumes has me relaxed, peaceful, and oh-so happy. I want to paste hearts across the page while twirling to the gentle music of the getsukin. And I've certainly never met a pleasanter robot than Alpha. Can someone explain to me why this series is not licensed in the U.S.?

Ah. <3

Um...hi. Been awhile.

What's new:

In process of switching to Dvorak - slow-going at the moment, but beautiful.

Being forced to do senior stuff I had planned on ignoring (people are sneaky in buying things like cap/gown/yearbook then telling me that I have to go pick them up).

Decided against college. For the hell of it, not wanting to bother.

A feeling of emptiness due to not knowing what the hell I'm going to do after school, followed by the revelation that this whole 'no college' thing probably isn't going to work out.

Spent 4 days in Orlando last week for FPS. Hid in hotel room most of the time.

Words.

Toggling.

-

Would you still love me if I were a man?

Went to dinner with my mother and brother tonight. In Daytona. Damn, am I glad that I no longer live near the White Eagle. Bike Week is such a...evil thing that needs to be rawr-ed at. Dinner was nice though (food wasn't, but then again I've been terribly spoiled by my aunt's cooking lately) - Evan and I get along so well together now!

Was reading Browning's 'The Bishop Orders His Tomb at Saint Praxed's Church' last weekend when struck with interesting inspiration. It was just a strange thing to be inspired by in the particular way it inspired me.

And here's a strange thing: my vocabulary is failing me. Never had myself get stuck on one word, the final word, of a poem like this. My problem is that I don't think that a word exists for the particular sound and feeling I want for this conclusion...and I'm, quite simply, shocked.

Next week, my aunt and uncle are heading off to Argentina for a couple of weeks, so I get house to myself again. Love.

I get my FS book of Stevenson short stories this month! Have been waiting for this since September. I'd also really like to get their edition of A Midsummer Night's Dream to replace my very worn paperback. But where will the money come from, I wonder? Hmm.

Okay, life is exciting, and I'm thoroughly satisfied with it for the moment.

I haven't been speaking to my darlings, have I? Oh gentle woe. I keep losing phone numbers and have no luck memorizing them. I can still be reached at home phone number. I'm sorry for everyone's ill-happenings, and glad for the good. Um, is that all the necessary?

There seems to be a raging illness around, eh? Haven't been to school since Thursday and doubt I'll go tomorrow, today? What day is it? My goodness. Trying to down cough syrup without gagging is like trying to kick a cat without getting scratched. Or...something. I'm spinning, I can't be bothered trying to think up good analogies. That crap tastes like the vomit that it's trying to produce. But I keep going on these weird digressions, like providing too much information when a person asks me my gender, but it's also quite poetic because my writing can be at its best when I'm not in my right mind, except that sometimes it's not. I might be dead, and I wouldn't even know it.

Hope that all is well.

I missed school Monday and Tuesday to write poetry.

Well, that perhaps wasn't quite the reason I missed school, but it did turn into a painful-lovely writing fest. "Words aren't a pen and paper/and literature isn't a pastime." But that's just how it is. I look at my life and know that the only reason I still exist is literature: it's the inherent power of writing, of reading - of falling in love with the written word: "There are word-passions so lovestrong/that they cement-hold fragile/voices/ to their unlives."

And the latest Honourshill chapter made me cry today. I'm not much of one to tout fictionpress stories but this one is remarkable (especially into the later chapters).

Have house to myself again through the end of the month. Ah, bliss. Hopefully, I'll be back on my own comp by next week. This thing is driving me mad.

My legs are going to fall off if I'm not careful. Still sore from Tuesday. I. Dislike. P.E. Muchly. And goodness do I feel old surrounded by freshmen and males that are shorter than I am.

Sing to me and be my friend?
Oh la la la.

For this winter's solstice I treated myself to a paid LibraryThing account. I now have nearly a third of my books listed and I'm still rather exhausted. Wish that I'd been willing to splurge on a nice barcode scanner, though I wonder how I will get through the older, more obscure section of my book collection that lists no ISBNs, SBNs, LC numbers...manual entries are such a pain. There's this sense of discovery that comes with cataloguing books, especially when you can suddenly come up with tags for a work that you never thought for it before.

Thinking of leaving all my books behind when I go to college is tear-worthy. That's why I need LT: I'll at least be able to get on the computer and semi-view my books from a distance, though not being able to touch them will be such a killer. I'm getting frustrated right now just because my books will be packed away from me for a couple of days while being moved to my aunt's place. They're not here with me and it kills me. How, oh how, can I possibly get through not living with them?

I guess that I've always really known that I just wasn't attracted to people *that way*, if at all. It wasn't until a few months ago that I sort of realized that 'hey, I'm asexual,' and even more recently that I've accepted that I have never experienced romantic/sexual attraction. It's interesting, because I had thought that I'd had crushes, but I really hadn't. It's so rare that I even feel that I want to be friends with someone that I, well, I guess that I confused these feelings because of the idea that's always been thrown at me that you have to like someone. From the earliest ages, other girls ask 'who do you like?' and I had to find a way to answer. You figure that everyone else feels those things, so you probably do too, even though you can't figure what the hell everyone else is talking about.

I never actually cared or thought about it until a few months ago. Never figured what the big deal was. But family started pestering me (why haven't you ever had a boyfriend?), and always acted like it's something that just a matter of time. Then you have friends discussing my sexual preference and not accepting my 'no preference' answer (^_^). And discussions with two separate friends about my visions for the future that led to puzzlement at the idea that I never expressed desire for another person to be there. I just thought that I had other things to worry about (books and learning and academics) and couldn't be bothered, but thought that I had at least experienced traces of these things. Recent inquiries to people, all over the place, really, have made me realize that I've felt nothing like what most people describe. And I'm cool with that.

This isn't to say that I would never be willing to shack up with someone for the sake of companionship or shared interests or whatever...but if I did it wouldn't be because of attraction in the normal sense. Maybe a hyper-friend thing?

Question: What does it feel like when you are romantically and/or sexually attracted to a person? What kind of thoughts accompany these feelings?

Subject Test scores were posted online today. I really wish that I had remembered that I was taking them sooner than the day before I took them so that I could have studied. *sigh* Math is abysmal, biology below what it should be, but not terrible, and literature pretty good, though I could have done better. Hmm. I knew that I should have taken french instead of math...

Doctor appointment today and my doctor is convinced that I'm suffering from anxiety (my reaction: but I've never liked being around people, and this is how I've alway's reacted to them. Why is this suddenly a problem?). Prescribed Zoloft or some such crap. My mom: "I just always thought that she'd grow out of it, but she hasn't, so I'm worried now". I think that they're going to make me do counselling, or something. Ew.

Anxiety. Really. Where do people get this stuff?

My throat's been ripped out. Or, it feels like it has. I was practicing my french tonight and realized that I can't talk. Might stay home from school tomorrow, as I don't have any medicines to supress cough/soreness/sneezing to get me through the day. Oi, this sucks. I HAD 5 DAYS TO BE SICK. Why now?

Which of the following is the most attractive (in terms of prettiness, power, sound, visual, or however you wish to define or base attractiveness)?

El Immortal
الخالد
O Immortal
不滅
Il Immortal
Der Unsterbliche
L'immortel

Rawr. Can't sleep. Past couple of days have read 3 years of a daily sappy/funny webcomic. Only a year to go!

Had prime rib for Thanksgiving(ish) meal. Muhahaha.

Started talking to people online again. As in, I've somewhat recently joined two forums (it's been a long time alone...). Yay! And I'm in love with them. Doubly yay! And they're both for different labels that begin with 'A'. Triple yay?

And, wow, I've just made a mental list of all the labels that begin with 'A' and let me say, the two I'm referring to are probably none that you're thinking (unless you happen to be thinking them). But, um. 'As...' and 'As...' maybe limits them a little better. And wow! They both begin with 'As' and I hadn't before realized it! Quack.

(I <3 labels)

Started working on NaNo again today. My problem before was that I started with the incredibly depressing beginning and it left me disgusted. I jumped to the middle, added some humor, and fell in love with a secondary character (she's a mathematician, and we all know how much I love those). Spent all day thinking of her and the MC's big scenes. Oh yes, I added romance. It's rather bitter, but romance just the same. AND I found a title, which I took from one of the extended dialogue pieces. Also keep seeing this on stage, so once November is finished I think that I will chop it up and turn it into a play. Which I'm much better with. My writing is too minimalist to fit the novel format.

I really hate typing up things from my notebook. My hands are not made for this much action. PAIN. I need a secretary.

Voting tomorrow! Damn, I'm excited.

Ashley, are you still willing to go to a strip club with me? I decided that I don't want to take up pipe-smoking because it involves smoking and (eww) tobacco, so I need to do something. Besides, I had this dream a few months ago where, after a heroic quest to save two people from death, I ended up in a basement and was invited upstairs to find a strip club where I got an amazing lap dance (though I have nothing to compare it to). Hmm. I think that my dreams are getting older.

I hate subject tests. Math made me feel stupid, biology didn't seem to have anything to do with the stuff the Collegeboard says is on there, and--well, literature was pretty okay. I didn't realize how few people took the subject tests: there were only two of us. I've not been in such an uncrowded testing situation before, and I liked it.

I should stop deferring homework. I don't want to post here, really, but I'm banning myself from notebooks and Word until homework is done, and this is the only option left to help me procrastinate.

I had to walk out of first period today because the noise got too much for me. I was able to disguise it as a trip to the bathroom, so no one looked at me funny. But it still felt strange. It's been a long time since I've been unable to handle my surroundings like that.

I should probably just ban myself from everything.

Today is just amazing.

Started off somewhat crappy for the same reason I missed school yesterday: I just couldn't stand to be around people. But it moved along. I saw Ashley and loved her hair (well, seeing Ashley would make me happy even without the hair), I got my report card and pulled off B's in English (in which I had an F at progress reports), and Gov/Econ (in which I've only done about half of the assignments). Had an A in math for the first time since geometry. Also, realized that I love math. I only told myself that I hated it for eight or so years because it's the one subject that doesn't come naturally to me. I didn't miss too much work yesterday. Dentist appointment today and I got my second ever (and consectutive) perfect checkup. My stopping use of well water and use of prescription toothpaste and multiple (4, 5, on) flossings/brushings a day finnally paid off. And to top it all off Scott Adams has an amazenly uplifting/happy blog post today. Let me tell you, when your favorite demi-celebrity tells about one of the happiest days of his life and then you read comments from readers about their happiest moments...damn.

HAPPY.

Roaches. Just--I feel like dousing myself with something very poisonous.

Okay, only roach without an 's' and on the back porch (not in the house), but this was an effective ruin to my good day.

Then, of course, I feel the need to research cockroaches. And that only makes things worse. Intriguing creatures--at least when they're a few billion miles away.

But now I'm hungry and am afraid to go out to the pantry/fridge to get food (no, we don't have food in the kitchen. Unless you count the banannas, but I really don't want to eat a bananna right now). I don't know what to do!

Had a stomach thing yesterday and missed school. Went to school today but came down with dizzyness third period that turned out to be a fever. Fell on floor once (at home) and it took me fifteen minutes to get up. AWFUL. But vaguely funny, and I'm pretty sure I'll laugh about it when my head decides to reattach itself to my neck. But it sure is pretty up here.

Am missing half of my assignments in gov/econ, but still managed to pull off a 'C' (yay for high test weight). And a deal was worked out to bring my failing english grade to a 'D'. The latter was particularly striking for me. I've known for a while that I was perhaps carrying this slacker thing a bit too far, but this, realizing that this is the second time a teacher has brought up a failing grade for me just on the merit that I'm 'much too smart for grades like this'...it sent me reeling. And I'm hit with the feeling of taking advantage of teachers who do a hell of a lot for me. It is horrifying that I could let myself become this scummy. What's worse than having people believe in you and then failing them? Point: I'm changing. And, my goodness, for real this time.

Am going to do NaNoWriMo again this year, trying not to get bored with my story after seven days again. I have nothing but a girl. She might just be the only character. Very much in contrast to last year's work. I find it fascinating how in the last year I've moved from almost solely male MCs to predominantly female ones now.

Ah, well. I read this really excellent piece--a discussion, really--about Kidnapped (one of my favorite novels, think that I'd place it top 5). Got me thinking on the lines of a story-review. Or something. I'll see where it takes me.

---

“My dear Freddy,” said I with a slight nod of condescension, “it is so good to see you here again. Well again too, I see.”

Freddy beamed up at me, his now slightly pudgy face glowing with an appreciative red glare. “Oh? Is it you then, Miss–,” he scrambled to his feet, ready to perform a most obsequious bow at the slightest provocation, “sorry, what name is it that you go by now? I wouldn’t want to...” he ended with a courteous blush. ( More. )

---

Okay, randomness. Whatever. I didn't even get to the book discussion part. I got too caught up in the girl, an all too common failing with me.

LOVE this year. Okay? Yes. My schedule's pretty decent and I like the people that I see. I'm really starting to feel sort of happy again. I'm psyched that high school is almost over and soon I will actually get the chance to be challenged (hopefully) for the first time in my life. I find the college application process absolutely thrilling.

I need to see Ashley though. It has been a while.